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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Sister Wives from a Feminist Perspective


Sister Wives from a Feminist Perspective

My thoughts on Sister Wives are complicated.  I’m a sucker for feel-good stories about big families with cute kids, so my first reaction to the show was positive. Sure, I thought, polygamy is patriarchal—but so are a lot of things. I wrote on the feminist blog a few months ago,

For me, what it comes down to is that almost all women (and men, too) make decisions that are rooted in sexist or patriarchal ideals. For example, I refuse to leave my house without at least mascara and foundation on, I diet, and I wear high heels. I recognize that these norms stem from sexism, and are, perhaps, sexist in nature, but I'm only one person, and this is my life and my body. At the end of the day, I'm going to keep shaving my pits and watching my weight. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that these things are empowering or that "I do them for myself", but there are only so many battles I can fight.

As feminists, it's definitely important that we recognize the patriarchy/misogyny inherent in and reinforced by our and other people's actions. But that doesn't mean judging people-- especially women-- on an individual level for the choices they make…The Sister Wives are simply choosing to live a certain lifestyle for themselves-- they're not actively pushing it on other people. Even though I would never make the decision to be in a polygamous marriage myself, and I definitely don't think it's empowering (in fact, it has a tradition of commodifying women), I'm hesitant to typecast the Sister Wives as brainwashed or stupid. Like wearing a hijab, dieting for aesthetic reasons (as opposed to for health), or shaving your pubes, being in a polygamous relationship is just another choice women make. It is what it is.

Who am I to call out other women for buying into sexist ideals and traditions? Am I so liberated?  The Wives seem smart and aware, and I wasn’t arrogant enough to assume that I knew what was best for them. I grew more impressed with the Brown family in the recent episode in which they go to Boston for a panel discussion on polygamy.  Their acceptance of the gay college student, George, was, frankly, heartwarming. I have immense respect for their ability to accept other “alternative” lifestyles.

All that being said, it would be absurd to analyze Sister Wives from a feminist perspective without pointing out some of the obvious flaws in their marital structure. First and foremost, the absurd double standard of Kody being able to marry multiple wives while the wives can only have one husband.  As I wrote a few weeks ago,

What disturbs me…is the rhetoric of suffering with which Meri, Janelle, and Christine talk about polygamy.  Meri, in particular, and to a lesser extent Janelle, consider the understandable jealousy they experience a sort of test of faith.  As Janelle put it, "It makes us better people. We overcome ourselves." They express anger at Kody for playing favorites with his newest wife, Robyn, but temper it with a sort of "Well, I'll learn to get over it" attitude.  They dismiss their jealousy as selfishness, a hurdle to conquer.  

Suffering is a big part of many religions.  From fasting during Yom Kippur to self-flagellation, denying oneself pleasure or inflicting pain on oneself is seen as an act of holiness. It is a testament to one's faith.  Both men and women participate in these types of activities.  But the type of suffering that comes with polygamy is reserved for women only.  Ultimately, it is the wives, not Kody, who have to overcome themselves, suck it up, be happy.

The obvious difference between, say, self-flagellation and the Sister Wives' struggle is that the former is done with the explicit intention of hurting oneself, whereas jealousy and heartache are just bi-products of polygamy. And yet, these bi-products become in themselves a means of proving one's faith, such that discontent within a polygamous marriage (at least the Browns') is framed as simultaneously an undesirable outcome and, when conquered, a good thing. It makes the wives "better people." It is almost solely the wives' responsibility to do the conquering. To be a woman is to suffer.  

Hearing Meri, Janelle, and talk about how they need to suck it up and get over their jealousy makes me sad.  Life is so hard already. Why make it even harder? I'm not denouncing their lifestyle, but I reject the notion that people-- especially women-- need to suffer in order to perfect themselves. To be human is to suffer, yes. But why should this be any more so for women?  

Unlike many of the commentators on this blog, I don’t think that only brainwashed women with low self-esteem would enter into a polygamous marriage. I do, however, concede that the amount of self-sacrifice it takes on the part of the wives to preserve the marriage is enormous and, yes, unfair. 

Ultimately, Sister Wives has failed to convince me that polygamy is good for women.  Sure, the wives aren’t underage girls living in compounds, but the demands placed on them are absurd. That being said, part of being a feminist, for me, is allowing women to make their own decisions—even if I don’t agree with them.  Autonomy comes with a price, and I respect women enough to believe they can handle it.  

Written by: Jacqueline


35 comments:

  1. I wonder why they think they need to suck it up but Kody never has to suck it up for anything.

    Not ever.

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  2. Interesting, Jacqueline! I wanted to send something in, but I'm not brave enough!

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  3. Very well said. Thank you for sharing!

    (Nothing against you wonderful moderators, but I love having posts written by other readers of this blog!!)

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  4. As a feminist I can't condone their lifestyle percisely because it's not just about petty jealousies or hurt feelings. It's female subjugation on the most base leve. Breed, breed, breed and then good luck trying to get out or even have an opinion when you have sooo many mouths to feed and take care of. As a woman and especially a mother you are vulnerable on every level. It certainly doesn't hold true for the male members of the religion, albeit I'm sure there are exceptions.

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  5. Well done, Jacqueline !!!

    This cycle of female subjugation has repeated generation after generation, and will continue to repeat in this lifestyle.

    The men are absent at worse, fleetingly present at best. It is up to the women to educate and pattern healthy life choices for their children.
    Apparently most of these children in the hard-core 'principle' homes are home-schooled by mothers who live extremely restricted lives. These women live with depression and despair.

    They are hardly fit to teach children on any scholastic level. And really, what do they know of the real world?
    Their window on the world is intentionally and woefully narrow and bleak, as will their daughters' be, sooner than later.

    The cycle will just repeat and repeat !!!

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  6. I don't think that these women are making a rational decision. They have been brainwashed into believing that they must be subservient to Kody and his needs. They really have no free will until they can break the constraints of this belief system. This is far different from the feminist stance allowing a woman to decide to work outside of the home or to take her life in whatever path she decides. I will not respect their decision because it it not based on free will; it is based on fear and indoctrination.

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  7. Wasn't sure where to put this comment.

    mariah has a photography page now and for those wanting more pics of truely there is an entire album:
    http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.287046427983292.71686.286926677995267&type=1

    Hope the link works for you. She's a cute little kid. :)

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  8. Dude, the car pic with Robyn and Kody!

    was taken by Liz Bowles photography. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=385282844243&set=a.136186259243.107930.134078434243&type=3&theater

    Liz Bowles has a "brwon family" album too that shows meri with LONG hair in 2009. Makes me think she cut it just before the show.

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  9. Ahh but the car pic was only fair, Meri got a motorcycle picture (again with long hair).

    Sorry to clog up this topic but I thought folks would like to see and this is the most recent area to talk in. :)

    http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=153779294243&set=a.136186259243.107930.134078434243&type=3&theater

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  10. Lots and lots of Allred's lapping them up! Amazing, not a word on Robyn, but ooohhh Kody's so purrdy....LOL! LOL! there's another one of him and Ro0bun, too.

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  11. Just a REAL good reminder of what KODY was doing, while Christine was home pregnant, wow. No professional pics of Truely newborn. Why do I feel there will be a million of Solomon?

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  12. Sorry Jacqueline, but you missed the point. oh pleeezzzz said... and anon 11:33 stated it just fine; these women aren't exercising free will.

    On another note, what is sexist about watching your weight? That is a good thing for men as well as women.

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  13. "The obvious difference between, say, self-flagellation and the Sister Wives' struggle is that the former is done with the explicit intention of hurting oneself, whereas jealousy and heartache are just bi-products of polygamy. And yet, these bi-products become in themselves a means of proving one's faith, such that discontent within a polygamous marriage (at least the Browns') is framed as simultaneously an undesirable outcome and, when conquered, a good thing. It makes the wives "better people." It is almost solely the wives' responsibility to do the conquering. To be a woman is to suffer. "

    VERY well written. I am impressed! Good to hear from others- love you guys, but interesting to hear from posters.

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  14. Bargain Babe, Liz Bowles is married to my brother.

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  15. sorry, it's not a matter of them simply living a lifestyle of "their choice." One really has no understanding of their religious beliefs if you sincerely believe that.

    As far as them "accepting alternative lifestyles." no way. Being nice to a gay person on camera in a staged dinner setting is quite a far cry from "accepting" his lifestyle. They do not accept gays nor blacks. Their religion thinks gay lifestyle is a choice and is an abomination to God and that gays need to change. "Hate the sin but love the sinner" mentality.

    Also, they believe blacks to be a cursed race from Cain. When the mainstream LDS changed their policy of allowing blacks into the priesthood and therefore the temple, that's when the AUB quit "sneaking" into the Mormon temples (they hid their AUB affiliation so they could get temple recommends) and went away and built their own temples as they now believed the LDS temples had been defiled by letting the cursed race of Cain in.

    There are TONS of documented facts that Brigham Young was a huge racist. He was a product of his time and not a Prophet of God who accepted and loved all people. Joseph Smith (not a racist) had actually allowed blacks into the priesthood but Brigham Young changed that when he took over and moved out west.

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  16. Thanks Troy. I wondered if she was related because of the last name but I didn't want to ask because you probably do not want to out EVERY MEMBER of your family. :)

    Is she plyg? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. But I couldn't tell about her. Seems that many families she photographs are plyg.

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  17. Just a side comment - I don't think that wearing mascara and foundation, dieting, etc to make yourself attractive is sexist and anti-feminist. It's our nature as human beings to want to look attractive. Men do it too (although some of them think they don't need to be made more attractive. Obviously.)

    However, I do think high heels should be outlawed. ;)

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  18. Jacqueline, TYSM for sharing your perspective. Lots of things to chew on there.

    What strikes me about most religious societies is how they are built on female sacrifice. True, outside religion women built cults of competitive sacrifice for themselves. That doesn't make the paradigm any less sick.

    Not sure what feminist means anymore, but what the Brown women engage in is clearly the lazy old habit of becoming better as women through complete self-denial. They are involved in cut throat race to see who can give the most and demand the least out of life. Why women are the traditional standard bearers for this kind of soul crushing, and enforce it on other women with gusto, I have not a clue. But it's not something men do to themselves or each other very often.

    So, according to my own wonky feminism, the Brown women are just like the Quiverful women or the competitive anorexics or the Real Housewives competition to become more unreal with every surgery. They all practice competitive self abnegation at the expense of any activity that might bring them any different joy or fulfillment.

    Is it right for me to judge? Heck yeah! By seeking my approval, through TV, the Browns are also seeking my acceptance for what is fundamentally wrong. Would we watch anorexics competing to lose weight on TLC and then reserve judgement because of some feminist mantra of twisted respect? No. I wouldn't. That's not my feminism.

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  19. Interesting commentary !!

    ".....of becoming better as women through complete self-denial. They are involved in cut throat race to see who can give the most and demand the least out of life. Why women are the traditional standard bearers for this kind of soul crushing, and enforce it on other women with gusto, I have not a clue. But it's not something men do to themselves or each other very often."

    Makes me think of the admittedly extreme example of the practice of female genital mutilation, imposed (allowed) by mothers on their young daughters in some radical religious sects.
    It is a horror to even think about by any female and/or mother not of that mindset. Yet it is accepted as the rite of passage for that culture.

    And I agree..if these Plyg or Quiverful-like folks choose to show their rituals to the public...whether for illumination or just for the money...they need to accept the gamut of opinions, pro AND con.

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  20. As a human, I am unable to support FLDS polygamy simply because I am unable to reconcile the indoctrination factor.

    There will always be the lingering question - what if? What if we removed their religion?

    Well, we already know Meri's answer.

    Any other form of adult consenting, non-religious , poly relationship is far more easy for me to accept and respect. It isn't the Brown's poly, it's the mindset and behaviors behind it that make it such a hard pill to swallow.

    Female sacrifice is putting it kindly. From Eve's apple to Pandora's box and then all the way to the Brown's house - women carrying the brunt of the burden simply for being female is a tale as old as time. Of course, this is not limited to FLDS or the Brown's but seeing the Brown's subscribe to, encompass and embrace the 'sub female', to the fullest , is kind of sickening.

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  21. This is beyond lifestyle choice and feminism issues for me. This is about basic human freedom and rights - both for the boys as well as the girls born into this. When someone is controlled through a mindset of religious indoctrination based on control/guilt/fear - that is a definite mindfreak.

    Someone who HAS NOT grown up with polygamy as a religious indoctrination and is a full grown adult - THEN and ONLY THEN is freely making a conscientious choice if they decide to go for polygamy.

    I'm still questioning in my own mind if children born into and raised tho in a non-religious form of polygamy are really not tainted with the concept of free and unencumbered choice simply by lifelong association bias. There would be a myriad of human interaction dynamics involved in that I'm sure.

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  22. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150263510884244&set=a.136186259243.107930.134078434243&type=3&permPage=1

    Mariah - very pretty pic.

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  23. http://lizbowlesphotos.blogspot.com/search/label/Photographer%20stuff

    Scroll down for Robyn and Kody pic - used as an example for brightness and curves - about twenty photos down

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  24. Anon 6:15,

    At least from what I've read about communal, non-religious, societies, most are not polygamous though some are polyamorous (is that the word?) Very few last longer than one generation because of the lack of any supernatural threat for leaving. A few get new residents regularly, as they sell camps and courses to outsiders some of whom stay on for a while.

    A great documentary called Commune spends some time on the lives of the kids raised in Black Bear Ranch. Many of the now adults criticize their childhoods there. I call that a good thing. They aren't prohibited from speaking their minds by an all seeing god or threats of ostracism by their families remaining on the commune.

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  25. Does anyone think Kody has a pregnancy fetish?

    I mean, both with Christine and Robyn he seemed ready to pull the baby out of them..once they start growing though, he starts loosing interest. After Christine's birth, when the nurse lay the baby on a table to clean it, he snatched the kid up and carried him off!

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  26. Thanks guys! (I wrote this post by the way).

    @All the people who are saying "it's not a matter of free will, because they're brainwashed": I totally see what you're saying. But how much do any of us truly have "free will"? Our choices are always constrained by the social conditions under which we live. Sure, there are varying degrees of freedom (I would say I have more free will than someone raised in a very religious household), but to say that these women are "brainwashed" is somewhat condescending.

    As for watching your weight: I'm not talking about staying fit, I'm talking about exessively worrying about what you look like. It was just an example.

    Anyway, thanks so much for the comments (both positive and critical)!

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  27. I usually use the more palatable word "indoctrinated" over "brainwashed." i think that's an accurate fact.

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  28. Pru say:
    spot on! I see the original 3 as being caught in a catch 22 situation - after investing so much years of their time, and products of their womb - there is no way they can go.........

    But the kids are getting older and will soon be leaving hopefully for college - what then?

    from what I can see - Robyn have very little to offer (can't imagine having conversation with her for > hour)...... I get the feeling that Kody(as doff as he is) will be bored to death if he winds up with robin only.....

    just to note: polygamy is a man's world - where all his fantansy are realised with all the women catering to his very needs........

    it is not for women - but designed for men only - that is why it is best for a 1X1 relationship

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  29. I think you left out the two words that this whole show revolves around: daddy issues.

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  30. It's too bad that only the women have to "overcome jealousy" to make themselves stronger in faith. Doesn't that deprive KODY of becoming stronger in faith? ;) Or is it just that there's work involved there, which would require him to do more than just bang his little harem? Face it, all this so-called "religion" is is another chance for men to get all the fun and none of the responsibility.

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  31. Jacqueline you have put my thoughts in a very well versed post. thank you!

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  32. ACI said...

    It's too bad that only the women have to "overcome jealousy" to make themselves stronger in faith. Doesn't that deprive KODY of becoming stronger in faith? ;) Or is it just that there's work involved there, which would require him to do more than just bang his little harem? Face it, all this so-called "religion" is is another chance for men to get all the fun and none of the responsibility.
    ______________________________________________

    Yea, and it deprives him of understanding and empathy as well. He has no idea what they (the wives) are going through. It seems like Kody hasn't matured at all since maybe his teenage years. He seems like a brat to me. He isn't forced to "conquer" any natural feelings like the women are. Also, he doesn't even have to deal with situations that other people have to deal with and get to grow from. He pouts and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way (although he usually gets everything that he wants) regardless of his family's or wives' opinion.

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  33. I'm wondering when someone is going to confront them point blank with the history of Joseph Smith, Specifically, that he emotionally, and spiritually abused these woman to become his wife and then told them to lie to Emma, all of this is chronicled in these women's diaries, so, its' not like they can claim that the information is anti, yet, that's exactly how it will be taken.

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